


Maybe we're just stubborn

by Kisnau



Category: Rurouni Kenshin
Genre: M/M, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 04:08:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20186002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kisnau/pseuds/Kisnau
Summary: Sano isn't sure what keeps him and Saitou together. He reflects on the past few years of their lives.





	Maybe we're just stubborn

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kuroiyousei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kuroiyousei/gifts).

> Gifting this to kuroiyousei because... well, I've been struck by the saisa bug in recent years after revisiting RK due to the new movies that came out a bit ago. And a friend of mine is majorly into saisa, and then I read a fuckload of kuroiyousei's saisa stuff over the past few years, THEN discovered yesterday she's moved onto here... and read some of her stuff I hadn't gotten to before... and then this happened tonight after reading the modern AU one where Sano's an author and Saitou reads crime novels and is a cop with Tokio as his partner.
> 
> Please forgive any OOC-ness, I've literally never written this pairing before - not a lot of RK fic in general - and this fic is probably horrible ffffffff... spare me your wrath! x.x

Sano doesn’t know what Saitou sees in him. He’s lazy, a freeloader, and always talks more than his brain should allow. Yeah, Sano’s got some redeeming qualities, but so what? Saitou’s _Saitou. _He could snap his fingers and have anybody he wants. Somebody who doesn’t fucking _annoy_ him all the time, even. An equal, both in mind and in money.

Sano’s none of those things. They always end up snapping at each other, no matter how hard Sano tries to play nice, because Saitou _can’t_. It’s like something’s missing, like the real Saitou’s always just out of reach. It’s incredibly frustrating sometimes, and it makes Sano overthink shit even when that’s not what he’s used to. He’s changed a lot, just for Saitou. Sure, they’re _good_ changes, stuff that’s made him a better person, but still…

He doesn’t know what to say, sometimes. And Saitou always says he talks too much. Doesn’t he? Maybe Sano should just shut up, now and then. Would Saitou be happy with him, then? Sano doubts it. It’s like Saitou’s never satisfied, like he’s always looking for the next fight, the next project, the next great mission to save the country.

Sano can relate, he _can_, but ever since giving up Zanza he’s gone in the other direction. Sano’s doing what he can for the people around him in small ways, even for when Katsu tried to bomb the Meiji government back to the Heian period and that business with Shishio – like how Kenshin does. Saitou is on a whole different scale; Saitou’s _legit_, and hidden in the government appearing as one of their dogs. Sano would love to see the look on any corrupt politician’s face who finds themselves at the end of Saitou’s fang, yellow eyes gleaming in the shadows.

But instead, the Saitou Sano sees is the one who comes _home_ from those missions, wearied and burnt-out from weeks or months of impassioned – if, on the surface, stoic – effort. The Saitou Sano sees doesn’t have any more patience for that polite mask; and really, that’s OK, because Sano fucking _hates_ it when Saitou just pretends with him. It’d happened once, a _long_ time ago, when Saitou had complained of keeping up with Sano’s stupid stream-of-consciousness conversations after a particularly taxing case.

_Then don’t fucking participate, if it tires you out so much! _Sano had snapped, beyond injured at the realization that came with the anger. _You don’t have to respond if you don’t want to! I’m trying to be real with you, here, and you’re STILL giving me that polite shit?! You don’t have to talk! I’m just happy you’re here and when I’m happy I talk a lot!_

Sano had been deeply embarrassed afterwards, but Saitou had gone silent. Saitou hadn’t been angry at his outburst, though, so maybe Sano had finally – _finally! – _said the right thing for once.

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it, though. Sometimes it just feels like every step Sano makes drives them further apart, and Saitou’s not the type to take steps closer, on his own. Sure, there’ll be a few looks Sano’s way, but he’s never really felt _welcome_ and there’s a deep, abiding guilt buried in his heart that Saitou’s only ever putting up with Sano because of Sano’s own _stubbornness_, not any lingering attachment to Sano himself.

And that shit hurts.

Sano’s been with a fair number of people – never quite to sex, not quite trusting enough to give up control like that – and he’s always been shifty, in these would-be relationships. Sano’s always avoided letting anyone get too close, letting anyone know the _real_ him, because that person is a lot less attractive than the charismatic guy Sano can play when he wants to. He can charm just about anybody, if he puts his mind to it, and that’s a small prideful fact Sano used to cling to, for far too long.

Oh, Saitou can do that, too, but Sano’s _genuine_ about it because he actually believes the shit he spews, when he spews it. It’s not lying, not really, it’s just painting the truth with a fresh coat so it looks nicer.

Point is, Sano’s really good at up and leaving people. Tokyo was just his latest stop in a long line of cities and towns. Kenshin and him have that part of their past in common. Sano tries to tell himself it was because he didn’t care about the people he ‘dated’ enough – when, really, he cared _too much_ and it scared the shit out of him every time someone got too close. Acting like a jerk and thus manipulating the other person to leaving in a huff is a lot easier than fessing up to how much it hurts to hurt them like that.

Yeah, Sano used to be a lot more messed up than he is, now. Maybe that fuckery with Sagara-taicho screwed with him. Sano loved the captain _so much_, and to have him just killed before his eyes, his idol, his father figure, the person he admired most in the world – it fucked him up. Sano up and left _Katsu_, even, not once looking back when a normal person would’ve clung to their only friend left in the world, like a ballast.

Sano’s never said he was the smartest person around. Sure, sometimes he can think fast, and he has good reflexes, but that’s all surface shit. With Saitou, it’s different. He can’t even begin to count how many times Saitou’s told him to leave. Sano doesn’t. _Why_ doesn’t he, when they’re obviously terrible for each other? Because he’s stubborn; yeah, sure, maybe that’s part of it. But what Saitou _doesn’t_ know is that, early on, Sano desperately resisted the urge to go full-on jerk on him and get Saitou to leave in a huff, per his habitual tendencies.

To be honest, Saitou beat him to it before Sano could start to freak out. And _then_, it was a _challenge! _Saitou had always been frosty towards Sano, even when they started this ‘dating’ nonsense (if that’s what it was, because Sano’s pretty sure _no one else_ would define their fledgling relationship as such), but for about a year after they broke up that first time, Saitou was a total _bastard _to him.

Full-on rage every time they interacted, every little thing set Saitou off. To be fair, Sano wasn’t a great person back then, either. He’d like to think he’s matured a little since then. Saitou would probably think differently. Sano thought about leaving a few times, but never mentioned this. Something stopped him. _That’s_ gotta be more than stubbornness, right? More than conquering a new challenge?

Sano doesn’t know what happened, but somehow things morphed into what they are, now. And most of the time he doesn’t let Saitou’s stoicism bother him. Saitou’s not a cuddly guy, and Sano can respect that, but Sano’s pretty tactile. He _likes _to touch, likes to be surrounded by touch. It’s not unmanly to admit that shit, it’s just honest!

If Saitou doesn’t indulge Sano his clinginess every now and then, yeah, Sano gets pretty down in the dumps. He starts to question shit. He starts to run circles around himself in his own head. People are under the impression Sano doesn’t think, but that’s not true. He just prefers to go with his gut and not slow things down by ruminating too long. Because overthinking breeds anxiety, and it’s a mentally shitty place to be. It’s better to just charge in and do your best to make it work out.

He and Saitou are fundamentally different, in this aspect. Sano’s pretty sure Saitou has anxiety, too, in the few glimpses with which he’s been favored.

Sano made Saitou _cry_, once. They’d been having a quietly vehement argument, on opposite sides of a sliding door. Saitou’s tone – through the paper and thin wood – gave nothing away. Beyond frustrated, deeply hurt, the fight climaxed into Sano bursting in, only to find Saitou in tears, his back to the door, with them silently streaming down his face.

It’d shocked him. Without a word, Sano grabbed Saitou and held him, silently soothing until the tears slowly stopped. The argument’s final words still echo in Sano’s head, because he can’t wrap his brain around them. 

“_Sano. If I told you I didn’t love you, would you go away?”_

_ “I’ve KNOWN you don’t love me, so I don’t know why you think that’d make a difference to me!”_

Saitou told Sano he loved him a few times, during their fledgling state, but hadn’t since.

It’s been _years_.

Saitou’s _never_ said it since they started this whatever-they-have-now, but…

Was Sano wrong?

What made Saitou cry? His own shit in his own head? From frustration, because Sano won’t leave? From pity, because Sano’s still been sticking around even _knowing _Saitou doesn’t love him?

Or, is it something else?

Sano can’t bring himself to admit it fully, even in his own mind, because it’s too _preposterous._ Saitou _can’t_. It’s not that Saitou’s _incapable _of the emotion, certainly not, it’s just… for _Sano? _There’s no way. He’s near-constantly berating Sano over just about anything that gives him the right opening to do so. Saitou’s always disdainful of him, always ready with a sharp retort or a critique. Saitou’s even _said_ that Sano greatly annoys him, and has told him so many times to leave, it’d probably look like a geezer's birthday cake, by this point. (If the number of times were candles.)

Sano loves him, sure. That’s the only thing that makes sense, after all this time. And Sano knows that’s the truth about his feelings deep down, too, and so he says it every moment he feels brave enough to declare it. It’s not daily, but it’s more than weekly – most of the time. And it doesn’t matter that Saitou doesn’t say it back; it’s still Sano’s truth, and so he’ll gladly fess up to it as often as he can. Part of it is to remind himself it hasn’t changed, and a small benefit is that it’s probably reminding Saitou he’s loved, too.

Saitou not saying it back means something, but it doesn’t mean _everything_. It hurts something in Sano, sure, because all it does is strike home to his heart that his emotions are all one-sided. And _still_, Sano says them. Sano admits to them. Sano doesn’t expect anything in return for them; it’s not _that_ kind of confession. He’s always been ready to meet Saitou where he’s at, not trying to push him too hard in certain ways. People can call Sano stupid, but he’s not.

Maybe it’s cruel of him to keep saying it. Maybe it’s making Saitou suffer, to hear it? Maybe he should stop. Maybe that’s why Saitou cried, that time. Because he’s really kind, deep down – why else would he strive for justice, all the time? It can’t just be for Saitou’s own gain, Sano doesn’t believe that. Maybe Saitou just feels bad that Sano’s suffering this one-sided _thing_ they’ve got going on. There’s a better word for it, but Sano doesn’t dare use it, as neither of them has ever called it that since the fledgling one ended. Maybe he just thinks Sano’s better off with someone else, although Sano can’t imagine life without Saitou, by now.

Is that codependent? Sano doesn’t think so; he’s pretty good at cutting ties when he really wants to. He just… doesn’t want to, this time. And it’s been a few years. Sometimes Sano gets skittish and thinks about leaving, but all he can see staring at him down that barrel of a path is misery. Because he’d just be thinking of Saitou all the time, if he left. It’s not an obsession, not really, but Sano’s _used_ to having Saitou there. Even with all his prickliness, all his abrasiveness, all his condescension (at times).

It’s… nice, having someone who sees through all of Sano’s shit. Even when Saitou gets his motivations wrong, or suspects Sano of having _other_ motivations. Sano just likes it when they’re together. Not even together-together, just in the same room. Most people write Sano off as a certain kind of person – and yeah, even Saitou did that at first. And Sano’s surely not entirely innocent of erroneous assumptions, either. He’s given his fair share of injuries, too, and not just the physical kind.

Sano’s not stupid. He just can’t figure out what made Saitou cry, that one time; it shook him.

Were those tears Sano’s fault? Should he not have said what he did?

…But what else _could_ he have said? Yeah, he was feeling pretty stirred up and angry at the time, but he didn’t _say that shit_ to injure Saitou. How could it have injured him?

Saitou would_ tell_ him if he loved him, right? So there’s no way that’s it.

Yeah, there’s no way. Sano’s just thinking too much over this.

It’s being blown way out of proportion.

Yeah.

That’s all.


End file.
